Hey journal, it's been quite some time since I made one of these. I guess I never really saw the point in them. My art has mostly always been for myself, (mainly because I'm not as talented as some people try to make me out to be, and that's not me being a pessimist, It's sheer honesty) so I've never had a fan base really warranting constant updates. But I figured my thoughts should be recorded somewhere. Soooo anyways it's been kind of a rough past few months. At first things seemed to be going well, I started school for esthetics in September. A new path, a whole new world for me to explore.
But then something happened that shook me far more then I thought it would. My parents my sister and I have lived with my gram for eleven years now. And in that time I have watched one of the strongest women I have ever know deteriorate due to dementia. So a few months ago, gram had a really bad days. She fell a couple times, and things were just getting progressively more difficult. She ended up going to the hospital. Now about every two or three years she ends up there due to a diabetic related complication. And she'd spend a few weeks there, and then an elderly care facility for a few days and then she'd come home.
She always came home. Always. But not this time. No this time, she's not coming home. And I don't think she ever will. And I have to accept that.
I think part of the reason I'm writing this is so I can process what's going on. Because it's been a few months now and I still haven't faced it.
See I wasn't extremely close with her, but I've always taken care of her, since I was eight years old. It was something I've always known. Not just because I love her, and not just because I had to, but because it was all I've ever known. And now...?
And now she's in some home that isn't hers, with other people like her, but I know she hates it. Every lucid moment she has is spent wondering why she is there and where her family is and that fucking kills me. It kills me. And I can't understand why. We weren't super close, but I love her so much that her thought brings me to tears. So I've pushed it all away, along with everything else that's shitty that's going on. Saying 'I'll deal with it when I have time.' But I have to face it. I have to process it.
You know I knew, we all knew that our 'dream' world would end eventually, but I never thought it would break my heart.
But I think I'll be okay, I've become an expert at putting myself back together.
But this stupid crazy fucked up world, it has never made sense to me. Even when I was little. I miss my gram, so so much. And I love her so much. And all I really want is my life back. But in this stupid crazy fucked up world, I know that things will never be the same. But I'm hopeful albeit not by much, but I'm hopeful for a better life.
Anyways, I feel a little bit better.
Thanks for listening.